Sleepless.....

I cant keep doing this... I'm having a sever migrane. I feel like throwing up. I can't sleep till I know he's alright.. he's not called me yet. not even one sms. Missing him so badly I'm going crazy just trying to think of ways to reach him.. but I can't cause I keep coming to a dead end. I really, really feel like throwing up now... gonna end here, throw up, drug my self and try to sleep... every morning I wake up and the first thing I do is check my phone for messages from him... but in the last 48 hrs.. my phone has been silent... not one person bothers.. not one person cares... I want to be free agian... maybe I can do this on my own afterall....

alone again... with someone, without a voice yet, as my only company.

I'm starting to loose faith. I've still not heard from him. Where is he... Why hasn't he called? He usually would.. even if he had to borrow a someone else's phone. His brothers are not talking to me too. sigh... what have I done........

lost

was supposed to swim. didn't. was suppoed to get cash back. didn't. was supposed to get medication. didn't. was supposed to meet the love of my life. didn't. this day can't get any worse. can barely keep my eyes open. researching on the net. feeling sick. feel so lost. so many things to do. so little time. so confused. so alone. It's our anniversary today. have not heard from him in 24hrs. is he gone when I need him the most ?

Loving in seceret....

It's finally friday. Been away from him too long. Just finished watching R+J. Can't seem to wonder if our love would turn out the same way. I envy couples who love with the knowledge of their elders. It's not fair! Why won't mine understand? Am I too young? Is this too soon? Or is it that this is unadvised?? A Priest... and a nanny... still not good enough...? Or perhaps it is not our parents at all. Perhaps it is our faith that would tear us apart??? Will I have to run away with him just to make myself happy? To live my life but at the same time dishonur my parents who have always been there for me and now i desert them just for my selfish needs???? What will i do?? What can i do except trust in God that he will show me what to do... to have faith in the God that could lead to the destruction of our love....

No... our love is stronger.

A whole day without my love....

It's been a day already that's he's not called.. but I know he's out there somewhere thinking of me... and probably dreaming of me. Looking forward to the weekend.. Gonna Spend it with Daniel... It's gonna be so perfect... I miss him so much. I last saw him on monday I think.

My cousin Jude is going leaving tomorrow morning.. was at his place now.. suddenly feel like going but I can't.. well I can.. but I just... wanna wait till my baby comes home first.. to at least spend the weekend with him.

It's way too early in the morning and I'm up because I know he's up... It's usually like this... I can't sleep till he's home... sigh... What am I going to do with out him...?

Gonna go watch R+J now... wish he was here to watch with me.. he never gets to watch the ending everytime the show it on tv.

I miss u baby... hope you like the new look. ;D

I want attention dammit!

Life has become dull... I need something to spice things up. The only thing I have to do is my blog... Or rather our blog.. Wish more people would add me though.

Have to go church in about 6 and a half hours.. just getting sleepy.

I'm gonna be spending the whole day with Dan. Hope I wake up on the right side of my bed. Been thinkin' about that ring I saw at Holland Village the other night... Hope I can get it. Still..I have my handphone bill to pay... never ending problems.

I don't wanna ask them but I need to. If I keep this up.. I'll never get my money back I will end up in further debt and i wont have a handphone.. I don't even think they'd pay ransom for their stuff that's still with me.. One Classical Guitar.. Ear phones...er.. yeah.. that's pretty much about it. Or should I just sell the stuff???

Love is Biased...

Love is in the air.. but apperntly it's makeing alot of people selfish. I agreed to help my mother send a card.. but in the end since i opened my big mouth... my mom siad okay.. thn u help me do one can ?? All excited, i set to work on selecting the picturs and how i want the card would look like.. so i surfed ard.. finally when i got most of the pictures.. i opened my photoshop... and thn i set to work... after a while.. my mom said.. "If a company hired you.. they'd give u the information abt what THEY wan to put up right ??" knowing that she was hinting that i was doing anything according to what she wanted... i said.. "nope.. they usually say wha tthey need as in information.. but when it oems to layout.. it's up to me..." which is utter bull thinking i could u know.. fool her out of it.. she said she wanted roses but my cousin has my type of taste when it comes to these things... so i knew very well what she'd like and it's definetly not roses. My mom started to compalin that i was takign up alot of time... and that i'll be at my computer the whole day... and accomplish nothing... in the end being fed up i said.. sigh thn do it yourself lah. She walked off saying i knew it.. i just knew this would happen.... .

Lately my mom had been very hurtful... little does she realise that i'm also human.. and we can come to a compromise if she's just alittle more patient. I hate beign liek this.. she's always siding my brother and i'm the evil one who out to do everything that is bad. if anything is wrong it's all because of me. If she falls sick.. it's my fault. If my cat dies.. it'll be my fault. And if my brother doesn not come home.. it's my fault... why cos i'm not nice to him.... what can i do?? why is everythign my fault.. i feel so useless and hopeless it's bad enough i feel that i have no future. that i won't be able to go far in life... she coems along and make living harder for me.

It is becoming so difficult to be strong and to pretend that i cna can take it when everyone leans on me for courage.. when they have problems I'm the only one who's willing to help even if it mean i could get into trouble.. when my mom is sick.. I amd the one who does most of the things.. but no one seems to help me along.. when i need help.. no one is there to be strong for me.. to help me stand when i can't.. doesnt anyone care ? Do people hate me that much ? What have i done to hurt them ? Why am i all alone........ .

Confused....

Sometimes i wonder what i would have been like if Dan came after me. I wonder what it would have been like if we first met when i was was a freshie in NYP or something. I can't help but think he'd probably would not have noticed me at all... . Then again if he did notice me he and his friends would have probably would have made fun of me like bullies usually do and me end up running to the girls bathroom and spending the whole day in there just crying... eventually with me just quitting school.

Sometimes I'm so oblivious of the things around me that really matter much more than the things i'm giving my undivided attention to. Is love staring me in the face but i'm just too blinded to see it?? Or do i just want to feel special every now and then...? Or is it that i have to grow up so fast.... or is it because i have no faith in myself that i actually do seserve better....?

You know... sometimes when u need help.. everyone seems so far away and busy with their own things... it makes me feel so.. lonely.. and sometimes when u have everythign going on and everything is fun suddenly everyone wants to hang out with you.. i am partially to blame cos i keep saying don't worry... we'll help you out.. but still in the end.. when i'm all alone.. and when i'm down in the dumps.. noone seems to care.. everyone sees me as this strong person... always willing to survive almost anything.. but hey.. i'm only human... i need someone to fall on too... some times when dan things my frinds are nothing but useless.. mindless.. nolifers... i can fall on them cos i know that they'll help... Lucretia and Olivia brought me clubbing last wednesday night.. paid for everything... and i mean EVERYTHING... i din have to worry.. u see with them i don't have to plan and worry abt oh.. how will this person react or how iwll this person like it if we do this...? i'm like tired of trying to make everyone happy when no one would make me happy when i need some cheering up. When i'm with my girls.. i feel taken care of.. even if i tell thm i can't afford it or if i can't make it.. they actually help me in every way possible so that i can stay with them and not miss the fun... Just so that they can have my company... I feel like i belong with them... i feel like i have a place with them.. and even when i go missing for a lon glong long time and no matter how much i've been negleting them.... they still keep that place for me.... i miss those days of staying up late.. clubbing then going to CBD and slacking ther till morning.. or going back to someone elses' place and having to not worry about food... it's... magic... i feel free... cause i knoe they'll take care of me... perhaps i've been over looking them.. perhaps i've been brian washed.. I say to everyone no body's perfect.. give them another chance... think it's about time i take my own advice........